Alle hens aan dek!

En voor je het weet is Thanksgiving ook alweer voorbij! De eerste schoolrapporten zijn binnen, Halloween is voorbij gegaan met Joop hier en ik in Ojai op een Thaise massagecursus en nu ligt er alleen nog een kalkoenkarkas in de ijskast te wachten om tot soep getrokken te worden.

Hoe doen de knulletjes het op school? Laten we zeggen: het potentieel is er. Volgens Owen’s juf weet Owen wat hij weten moet (qua cijfers en letters) en gaat de fijne motoriek vooruit, maar is de stijgende lijn in het gedrag een beetje vlak naar haar smaak. Kan niet stilzitten (werkt uberhaupt liever staand aan tafel en als ze op de grond zitten dan gaat hij liever liggen gek doen), luistert slecht en als hij het ergens niet mee eens is dan zijn de rapen gaar. Tja. Daar waren we allemaal niet zo erg verbaasd over, maar dat het lastig is in de klas kan ik wel begrijpen. Er zijn jongetjes die nog erger zijn dan Owen en Owen vindt dus zelf dat hij het best goed doet. Relatief gesproken, zeg maar.

Ian is potentieel een ‘A student’ zoals ze dat hier noemen, maar heeft allemaal ‘B’s op zijn rapport, want tja, die jongen is zo slordig en ongeorganiseerd dat het er niet echt uit komt. Zijn handschrift is vreselijk, zijn proefwerken doet hij te snel (beantwoordt maar de helft van samengestelde vragen en spelt de woorden die in de vragen voorkomen zelfs fout in de antwoorden en dat soort gein) en doet alleen het minimale. Tijdens het rapport gesprekje op vrijdagmiddag voor de vakantie vertelde de juf dat zijn ABC boek (elke week een letter over dingen in California) steeds afgeraffeld wordt, maar dat hij maandag het ding mee had gekregen en hij nu tot na de vakantie had om de laatste letters goed te doen. Ik stelde voor toch even in zijn bureau te kijken. Ja hoor, daar lag het boek nog lekker, temidden van een enorme stapel papierzooi vol met tekeningen, krabbels etc. ‘En weet je’, zei de juf, ‘hij heeft vorige week zijn bureau nog op moeten ruimen.’ Daarna moest ik nog zijn lunchtrommel (met daarin resten boerenkool) nog uit de ‘gevonden voorwerpen’ gaan vissen, dus dat schetst een beetje een beeld. Verder vinden beide juffen de knullen wel vreselijk lief en charmant (als Owen zijn dag tenminste heeft) en sociaal, dus er zal nog wel hoop zijn.

Dit is de pumpkin patch. Je kunt op alle foto's klikken om ze groter te zien!

De afgelopen maanden zijn de jongens op Dinsdag middag naar de Nederlandse school geweest voor Nederlandse les. Maar ik denk daar toch voorlopig weer mee te stoppen. Vorige week was namelijk een juf er niet en ben ik blijven helpen, maar ik was niet onder de indruk. Ian heeft er wel wat aan, maar met Owen is geen land te bezeilen. Hij kan namelijk nog niet lezen en schrijven en kan dus niet zelfstandig werken en hij is moe aan het eind van de dag, dus wil eigenlijk ook niks. Om nou 125 dollar in de maand te betalen om Owen een beetje sinterklaas plaatjes te laten kleuren…. Hij vindt kleuren niet eens leuk.

Eind oktober heb ik een cursus ‘Thai Yoga Massage Practitioner’ gevolgd, waarvoor Joop zo lief was om mijn kinderen een week te bemoederen. Hij was dus hier voor Halloween, dat ik helaas gemist heb.

Fantastische cursus, zowel op professioneel als persoonlijk vlak, in een prachtige omgeving, en nu ben ik dus bezig allerlei mensen in bochten te wringen, waar ze dan natuurlijk beter van worden. Sommigen kunnen heel emotioneel reageren, wat het wel intrigerend maakt. Iedereen moet een feedback formulier voor me invullen voor mijn volgende certificaat en daar komen soms pagina’s lange epistels uit voort. Het maakt dus niet alleen de spieren los bij sommige mensen. Het is voor mij een logisch vervolg op de yoga lessen en de behoefte meer persoonlijk met mensen te kunnen werken op dat vlak.

De dag voor Thanksgiving met zijn allen naar het Nederlandse Consulaat in San Mateo geweest om de paspoorten te verlengen, dat moet eens in de 5 jaar. Was er iets mis met de vingerafdrukmachine, dus nu moet ik nog een keer terug. Ondertussen is mijn paspoort wel verlopen, dus er moet even niemand ziek worden of doodgaan. Dat je er effe rekening mee houdt! Het was zulk mooi weer dat we doorgereden zijn naar Half Moon Bay en we daar de jongens lekker in hun onderbroek op het strand rond hebben laten rennen.

Voor Thanksgiving waren we alleen (Floor zit op Hawaii, ja, dat begrijp ik ook niet) en de jongens hebben de tafel mooi versierd en daarna ieder een kilo kalkoen, aardappelpuree en taart weggewerkt (ze hebben zich van te voren en na afloop gewogen!). Owen kon er niet over uit is en is me wel 7 keer komen bedanken en knuffelen voor het ‘great feast!’. Kijk, dat is zijn charmante kant.

En dan is nu het kerst seizoen hier officieel begonnen. Alle hens aan dek!

Group Picture

I've done 3 Thai massages the first week back, all of which went well. Dave's back is feeling much better after two sessions (with -endless- leg lines, I had to marry a tall guy...) and my other volunteer started crying, but wants to come back next week. In an hour or so, I'll be working with Anouk, who gives me regular massages, so I am curious to see what she thinks. I sent out a request for volunteers with my Yoga newsletter and had about 25 people lined up within a day! It's going to take me months to get to them all, but Hey, I won't have to go begging!

I am so glad I did this training. It fits me.

You are depressed if you don't get up in the morning and dance to the bathroom

Yesterday was insane....

First I did the whole massage series on a guy (there are 3 guys and 14 women, so I hadn't had that opportunity yet). It took 4.5 hours and I was WIPED. Guys are heavier and their muscles are tougher, I guess. This guy also liked a lot of pressure so pffffff. Then, because everyone was so late finishing, the afternoon session didn't start until 5.30 pm and we were not done till TEN! I have to admit that after that long it's hard to stay serious. How do you stay in a meditative state for 9 hours? Hmmm? I am obviously not there yet and started cracking up about halfway through. And 9 hours of 'meditative music'.... Sweet Jesus.

So dinner at 10.30 pm, then class prep for today and then to bed at midnight and up for a 7 am meditation. I massaged all through my dreams so even then I didn't get a break.

Needless to say, I didn't dance to the bathroom this morning. Neither did many other people. But after the dancing meditation this mornings things got a little better. Then the lot of the draw teamed me up with Angela, a lovely German woman, who is funny and has muscles soft as butter. We also had a 3.5 hour time limit. This time I had plenty of energy after I did the massage. Good, because I was getting worried about that.

So rumor has it I will need to do 60 massages for my certification. I'll need your help!

The voice of reason? Probably not.

So the hip thing was so big that it needed processing all by itself. But it's not the only thing that happened to me here. I have found something I was barely aware I was missing: my voice. I briefly mentioned enjoying the Kirtan on Friday night, but that was just a part of it. There is a lot of music here. Saul apparently was a musician (still is, I guess) before going the yoga way. Tony, the other guy in the Kirtan band is always around and Adam, one of the students is also a musician . There is chanting before most sessions and music almost every night.

So what's with the voice? I used to sing in a women's choir in the Netherlands, Bulgarian folk songs. My voice slowly grew during these years and I thoroughly enjoyed doing that, even if the conductor, Julia, was a drill sergeant. When I got pregnant I had to stop, too tired and I couldn't get the breath in my belly anymore. Then we moved here. I sang in a choir in Berkeley for 6 months, but that was such a long way to go on a Tuesday night when exhausted from baby duty. So it petered out. During the course of the next few years I noticed that whenever I sang I had tension in my throat and had a hard time letting that go. Even when I thought I did my throat would tire really easily, so it wasn't really relaxed. Of course, with the teaching in the evenings that I do it is hard to find the time in daily life to find a group to sing with, so it wasn't part of my life. Except for the occasional Rock Band session at Patrice's, of course.

After the 3 hour massage by Angela (see a previous post) I noticed my speaking voice was about an octave lower. The only other time that has ever happened was after a restorative yoga session with Judith Lasater (where we did 3 poses in two hours). Right now the speaking voice is back up to normal, but by bits and pieces, whenever there was chanting I noticed this new, clear and open singing voice I seem to have. Last night, there was some impromptu Kirtan and I stunned myself with the voice I am singing with. I know I have never sounded like this before, not even back in the days with Vrouwenkoor Julia. It still comes and goes a bit and I don't have full control over it, but boy, when it works it really works. For me, anyway. I don't much care how it sounds to others at this point. But there is something incredibly liberating about feeling that much opening in the throat. Another thing to be grateful for.

So next on my list will be to create my own 'village'. I was talking to Johanna about it at breakfast this morning, about how much you can miss the village you grow up with. She mentioned the one she has created for herself (spread out all over the world unfortunately), and I realized that nothing but fear and vulnerability is stopping me from creating one here. So Patrice already volunteered for this in one of her comments. I am pretty sure Barbara is in. Anybody else: let me know! I think it would by nice to set up like a monthly get together or something dedicated to taking the conversation a little deeper.

We did facial massage this morning and are now getting ready for the sweat lodge tonight, with a guy called Eagle Bear. But first lunch prepared by Caspar the miracle worker and then I get a full massage session with Gigi, one of the assistant teachers.

Ask and you shall receive (or, be careful what you wish for)

As I was saying to Johanna yesterday: I want to know what this stuff is that keeps causing tension in my hips and SI joint. It's been there so long and even though I make progress with it, it is just very stubbornly there. Better some days, worse on others. She said the answer would probably come little bit by little bit.

It didn't. I came in one big gush this morning. Remember we learned some intense hip opening stuff on Saturday. Then I did hip openers (with and without tennis ball) yesterday morning and we followed up that day with the review of all we'd done, including, yes, the hip openers again. So this morning we start with meditation and yoga. You guessed it: hip openers. Saul is walking around in class adjusting everybody, but I kid you not, every single hip thing he is right by my mat: Lean back there, Marleen, a little deeper. Now take the feet wider in that squat, Marleen and now let go of the tension in those hips (and to my great surprise down go the hips). Give it a Kali breath (Kali - goddess of destruction). And to top it off he demos a one sided Happy Baby on my bad hip that just about kills me. I swear I never mentioned the hip/SI thing to this man.

Five minutes later we sit in thunderbolt and I think back to when this whole SI thing started: I was about 22 and was living with Klaas. Suddenly it hits me. This was when I started trying so hard to make that relationship work, trying to make him happy, and started losing sight of what would make me happy. I really lost my center then and got into the habit of sacrificing my joy for someone else's. The sacrum by the way is the seat of the second chakra, which is associated with joy and pleasure and creativity.

Now don't get me wrong. I will always be grateful for that relationship because he is the one that forced me to find my voice and start speaking my truth in my late teens, breaking down the glass wall between me and the rest of the world in the beginning of our relationship. But by the time we were living together we had established a pretty toxic pattern of push and pull on his side and dependency on mine. And that is when my hips and back started hurting. It seems so obvious now. At that point in the class the hips and the tears won.

So why are the hips still bothering me 18 years later? Still related to the same problem, I am sure, even though this marriage is nothing like that past relationship. One of the things that attracted me to Dave in the first place was that he didn’t have a mould he thought I should fit, he loved me just the way I was. Emotions and sloppy housekeeping skills and all. Not that they don’t irritate him, but it doesn’t cause crises in the relationship. I don’t feel that I am sacrificing my joy for him, he'll support whatever I want, even if it's not something he would have chosen.

But as a woman it can be a struggle not to disappear in the roll of wife and mother. There is a constant pressure to keep everything running smoothly, tempers harmonious and everybody happy. Nothing wrong with that, but is easy to lose sight of who you are as a person, as a woman, while you are doing that. When life gets hectic and demanding, when I run from yoga class to grocery store to kindergarten pick up to the laundry pile reaching the rafters in the garage, my SI joint starts complaining, especially when anything emotionally stressful is added to the mix.

Add to that struggle the fact that I left most of my support system, my 'village' behind when I moved to the US, especially the people like my parents, Rik, Nettie etc. who were always willing to support and encourage the path of personal growth. Not that I haven't found good friends here, but personal growth isn't a topic often discussed. Maybe we need an older generation to lead us in that. I also feel I am more reserved here in the US than I used to be. Things I say are already often considered very direct over here, if not rude, so I tend not to say as much. Dave isn't the 'let's sit and talk things over' kind of guy either, so I am more quiet than is good for me, I think.

So yeah, this course is intense, body/mind wise. But in the mean time, after just 4 days I am wrapping my right leg behind my left in Eagle pose and am squatting down with my heals on the floor. And that is just the physical stuff. The implications for the mind are boggling.... Yesterday Sara pulled some cards for me and the one for the future showed a person with pieces cracking off like a shell breaking. That's about how it feels right now.

P.S. My commitment to try everything that's offered means I will have to go do a sweat lodge tomorrow evening. Ooh boy, do I not love the heat. Can't wait.

Let's get intimate

'Thai Yoga Massage is more intimate than a regular massage even though the participants keep their clothes on'.

This is true.
Especially for the part we learned last night: the stomach massage. We sit nicely crotch to crotch and then we proceed to rub and poke the belly. When looking at the demo my belly clenched right up. You probably don't know this, but I can't stand anyone touching my belly button. Not even me. Cleaning it is torture. So here is Saul jamming his thumb down someones belly button. Nails on the black board..... Add to that fact that all the, admittedly lovely, vegetarian food served by Caspar the Limburger boy wonder in the kitchen, with the variety of beans has made me quite gassy. Do I want to lie crotch to crotch with someone and have my belly poked? NO.

Had to be done though, so I tactically made my way to bathroom while people were partnering up, so I would be the odd one out when I got back and got to work with one of the teaching assistants (there are 17 people on the course, so one usually ends up with a teaching assistant).

She kindly spared my belly button and we got through the rest with not too much discomfort. I was wiped out that evening though. To work that intensely on the hips and then the belly had me yawning by 8.30 pm. Belly feels better today, though!

Due to my early bedtime I hadn't heard that morning class was canceled. So I actually had a shower in the morning and did my own practice. Worked the glutes and hips with the tennis ball and stretches. Two hours flew by. The right glute was softer than I'd ever felt it. Broke the tennis ball (Note to Anouk: those balls you bought are nice and hard, but not very sturdy). So I donated the remnants to Irving, one of our student's mental health service dog (who had a cute doggie shark costume on yesterday).

Today we are reviewing all we've learned in the past 2.5 days. So this morning I gave Angela (a German physician in her early fifties, here with her German friend Johanna who has lived here for a long time) a 3 hour massage including feet, legs, hips, stomach, chest, arms and hands. I can tell you that Angela's belly looks way better than mine, by the way, and that her muscles are like butter so I got to go really deep. Halfway through I had to take my shirt off, I was dripping sweat and needed something to wipe it with. I'll need better deodorant if this going to be part of my career! Angela was so relaxed she couldn't move afterward. So I went and jumped in the saltwater pool to cool off while she recovered and then I had double portions of the vegetarian Shepherd's Pie to replenish my energy. All I'll have to do this afternoon though is lie down and get a 3 hour massage from Angela. Bummer.